people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
where are my eyebrows?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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