I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
