How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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