it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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