What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
