I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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