people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
