Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
