I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
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3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
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There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize