It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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