You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
