Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
