I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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