The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
