in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
