so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
