I bet he comes in French.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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