Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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