I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
