Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
