The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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