The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
