I accidentally had phone sex last night
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
