no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
