what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
