I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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