i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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