Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
