I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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