My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
