I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
