my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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