I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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