my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
