Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
