hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
