i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
