i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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