I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
