maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
