best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
