Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
