I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
