Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
