i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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