I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
