you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize