My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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