I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
