Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
