My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
