I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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