Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Randomize
