Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
