Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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