got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
