Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
