Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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