i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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