Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
