I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
