I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize