sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
