i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Randomize
