i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
