I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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